Memo to Cats

Memo to: The Cats
From: Your Mom ("Provider of All Good Things")
Subject: New Corporate Policy on the Use of Toileting Facilities
Date: 17 Sep 2000

Ladies:

Please be advised of an upgrade to your toileting equipment. There are now SIX litterboxes for the THREE of you. This should relieve some of the crowding and decisionmaking problems associated with having ONLY FIVE boxes for THREE cats available.

Although this new addition took place yesterday, apparently at least one of you has not noticed. Please NOTICE the addition.

Take a moment to review previous corporate policy reminding you that only APPROVED (by me) and DESIGNATED (by me) facilities are to be used as toileting areas. Now that each of you has two boxes available, this should put to rest some of the past "difficulties" and enable you to more easily conduct this important business while adhering to the following standard guidelines:

• No one should assume that all filler in a litterbox will be replaced each and every time a box is used. Sifting and replenishing will be conducted upon my waking in the morning and returning from work in the evening.
• Although you may choose your favorite boxes as "your own" you are not to prohibit any of your "colleagues" from using "your" facilities or in any way harass them while they are using a box. On occasion, I may wish to use one of the boxes myself and will expect full accommodation on your part.
• We are transferring to pine litter. This is a done deal, and now after a transition period of SIX MONTHS you are expected to accept this as a fact of life. Those of you (and you know who you are) who have been leaving various "protest signs" in strategic locations, are to end this immediately. This move to pine is because of your inconsiderate use of the clumping litter to practice your bowling techniques throughout the basement den. Also, our foray into the regular clay litter meant you were coming to bed--in my bed--with the clay sticking to every bit of your nose. Not only was this unhygienic, it certainly did not give any of you the appearance of an $800 cat. If you are thinking I'm doing this as a vast Greenpeace conspiracy, get over it.
• When we go to shows, the sandbox is there to use as intended. It is not there for you to take your naps in--that's what the extremely expensive "Fuzzy Sack" is there for. Do not wait to get home and make a mad dash for the boxes. When you hold it in at the show, you look like you are going to explode and your eyes start to cross. Worse yet, you start to fart.
• To my Abyssinian: It is perfectly acceptable that you twirl around at least five times in a box before furiously digging a hole, but you are not required nor should you feel compelled, to throw the litter ten feet in every direction. It would also be preferable if you actually use that same litter box where you've dug rather than jumping into a neighboring box to actually do the deed and then not covering it up. This style is not very becoming, nor does it make you look terribly smart. Additionally, it does not score any bonus points for your breed.
• To my Bengal: Simply making sure you've covered what you've left is enough. You do NOT need to build pyramids. While I realize there is a distant cultural and ethnic connection here to that ancient Egyptian architectural style, now that we have reached a new millennium, please allow the connection to become more distant still. I would welcome you bringing the height of your creations down to the more manageable level of speed bumps.
• To my 15-year old full blooded Generic: Please do not deposit your various mouse, cricket, or cicada victims in the litter boxes. Killed or mangled bodies should merely be left out on the utility room floor right by the door. I promise they will be noticed and proper praise and acknowledgment will be forthcoming. Trust me.

Your efforts in regards to an invitation a Teamster representative to visit this property will be rejected outright. It didn't work for the Poodles across the street, it ain't gonna fly here.

Sincerely,
Mom (I choose what kibble you get) Padilla

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